Azizah’s Story and Advice to Young Adults…
Written on: 25th November, 2009
First of all, for a little history, my husband and I got married very young, I was 18 years old (right after A levels and now about to start UWI), and my husband was 20 years of age. Now what is important here is not the fact that “Hooray! I’m 18 and now I can do what I want!”. What is important is the reasons behind why my husband and I got married. We had started to take our religion very seriously. I had just started to wear the hijaab, we were constantly researching our duties as Muslims based on AUTHENTIC evidences and rulings from the Qur’an and Sunnah. My husband, at the time, was also doing Itikaf in the masjid where he was opened up to a lot of new things(knowledge), which were really old things(knowledge), that Muslims in this country and all over the western world in particular, have forgotten and left off in favor of the kuffar way of life. As a result, “date first for a while, finish school and get a job first” became the words escaping our parents’ mouths.
Now this is not their fault, REMEMBER, that this is what our parents are accustomed to, therefore we must thread carefully with the way we treat our parents when approaching such ‘controversial’ topics. Ours mothers are the ones who gave birth to us and nurtured us and our fathers are the ones who have clothed us and has sheltered us in our dependent years. Therefore we knew to never be disrespectful to our parents as we were still under their roof. It is important that we do our best NOT defy them unless what they are asking us to do is in clear conflict of what Allah(swt) has commanded. And with that, a little piece of advice to my younger readers, do not use Islamic teaching as a convenience to “get more freedom”. Marriage is an exceptionally beautiful and beneficial blessing granted to us by the Almighty Allah(swt) and we strive to marry as soon as we are able. But we also should not abuse this privilege and indulge in something so precious by entering into it with immature hearts, false intentions and careless actions.
Back to my story… my husband had just come out of Itikaf and when he explained to me the haraam nature of dating and going out alone without a mahram (your father, your brother, your blood uncles, etc) , we both realized the level of sin we were indulging in. We have never fornicated, drunken alcohol or did drugs or anything of this nature. But still, dating and the ‘romances’ that came with it are CLEARLY haraam in Islam. We both started to repent to Allah(swt), my husband pray Salatul -Istikara on the matter, for Allah(swt) to help him make a decision on the matter. And Alhamdulillah He did help us. The decision was “We need to get married, or stay apart until our parents allow us to get married”
We never threatened our parents with running off and getting married alone, or gave them ultimatums where they had to let us get married or else it would be done in private without their permission. This is disrespectful and ungrateful behavior towards one’s parents. Now we had patience with this, we went to my mother first, who of course was very very opposed to the idea because of our age and ‘what she was accustomed to’, then we went to them both, and we explained to my father the importance of marriage in Islam, our level of maturity, what we expect from marriage, and our long term plan to live as husband and wife and support each other. In terms of marital relations, yes they requested that we wait until the waleemah, but they also accepted that that was our decision to make and thus we made it on our own.
When all of this was discussed, because of Allah’s help, the level of maturity we spoke with and acted with, the patience we had, the ‘plans’ we made, our parents felt confident that their children would have a solid marriage. And up to this day, seven years and counting, my husband and I have never once uttered the word ‘divorce’ and have never asked it of one another. We truly were blessed in this way and we have been constant in this all these years. Another thing people say is that having children too soon will break up a marriage, but trust me that is false! Our children have brought us even closer. We have three little ones and that makes three times the
blessing in our lives… Alhamdulillah!
Now what my readers need to understand is that, yes, we got married young and yes we were successful so far, but you also have to understand that my husband and I live a certain way with one another and that plays a major role in why we don’t have any major problems. Here are a few:-
1) We don’t go on separate boys limes and girls limes.
2) I do not leave the house without his permission (which is in accordance with Islam) and I don’t go places or spend his money on things I know he would be displeased about.
3) I do not lime or correspond with men unless necessary. In other words, I do not keep constant ‘male’ friends.
4) I cover myself properly in public in accordance with the laws of Islam so as not to draw the unnecessary attention of men and I beautify myself only for my husband in private.
5) We do not go to bed angry. We have never done this as this is a major contributor to the breakdown of marriage in society today.
6) We have respect for each other’s parents and siblings, including our own.
7) We live our lives for the pleasure of Allah(swt) whenever and however we can.
8) We try our best to emulate the marriages of the Prophet(sal Allaahu alaiyhi wa sallam) to His wives.
9) I cook, I clean, I take care of his children, I study Islam and use the wives of the Rasool(sal Allaahu alaiyhi wa sallam) and the Sahabas as examples of how a wife should be. I am not perfect and I don’t think I ever will be, but trying our best as Muslim women to emulate the wives of the Rasool(sal Allaahu alaiyhi wa sallam) is especially important, because the minute you choose Britney spears, Angelina Jolie, or anyone who lives the life of the kuffar as an example, is when your marriage is destined for failure.
There are so many other things we do as husband and wife that you would never hear the ‘modern woman’ uttering or condoning in her marriage (which is domed for failure either way).
*Things to be aware of:-
1) We all have the right to want to get married, but a Muslim woman also NEED A WALEE. You must have the permission of the Walee to get married. There is no marriage without this. The Prophet(sal Allaahu alaiyhi wa sallam) has emphasized on this. Yes there may be certain conditions where other allowances can be made. But please refer to the learned memebers of your community/country and scholars for this, students of knowledge and scholars who are upon the Qur’an and Sunnah and who do not deviate away from this in favor of their own desires.
2) If you are going to school, you must be prepared and have a long term plan if you were to get pregnant. Yes it can happen, even if you are on the contraceptive pill or one of these things. It can still happen! It wasn’t the end of the world for me cause I wanted to have my kids right away; school or not, cause my husband had his little side jobs here and there and he always had his eye fixed on a long term goal that he has, by the help of Allah(swt), been able to achieve today. My advice to young adults and parents of young adults is to make plans an, have long-term goals, have faith in Allah(swt) and these things work themselves out. But still, “Tie your camel” as the Prophet(sal Allaahu alaiyhi wa sallam) said and start putting things in place to make these things possible.
3) Marriage is a union that requires maturity. We asked ourselves over and over if we had this maturity. Are we strong enough to be patient with our in-laws if we disagree with them on a matter? Are we steadfast in our salaat? Are we marrying for the right ‘Islamic’ reasons? Are we prepared to fulfill all the duties that come with being a proper Muslim spouse? We answered ‘yes’ to ourselves, as we both always wanted to get that special someone throughout our lives and settle down. Ever since I was like twelve years old I’ve wanted a husband and kids! Alhamdulillah!
4) With regards to parents, I needed to be sure that my parents liked this boy. Does he have traits that they like? If not then these traits will continue throughout my marriage. Would I like a husband that is in constant conflict with my father/mother? Thank Allah my mother liked my hubby from the moment she met him. She had a good feeling about him. As for my father, he truly made every effort to make my new husband feel like a son to him. Don’t worry, my brother didn’t get jealous, because he to treated my husband like a brother as they went to school together and had a very close friendship throughout!
5) When two people get married, it’s really two families getting married. Be sure that you like the family you’re getting into and vice versa.
When young adults make that final decision, they should also make sure that they have had enough patience, enough personal dua, they’ve educated themselves properly on their rights and their parent’s rights (in Islam), and please do not be hasty. In essence my readers, don’t do anything you have doubt about or are worried that you ‘might regret’. Be SURE of your actions and Inshaa Allah that is the best way to ensure that you don’t make any misinformed or damaging mistakes.
“May Allah(swt) give us all the patience and help that we need….Ameen”