I was 8 months Pregnant when I Lost my Baby…
(Date of Interview: 30/11/2009)
Brief Intro: This interview was conducted between myself and a Muslim sister from Trinidad. She has been through the trauma of giving birth to a stillborn baby and has decided to share her experiences for the benefit of others Inshaa Allah. May Allah(swt) bless her for this charity…Ameen. She has also chosen to keep her identity confidential, but if you would like to send her a message, you can send it to my e-mail and I will forward it to her for you Inshaa Allah.
Azizah: “Assalamu Alaikum sister…”
The Sister: “Wa alaikumussalaam wa rahmatullah”
Azizah: “Let’s just start with the main question here…How far along were you when you lost your baby?”
The Sister: “I was 8 1/2 months pregnant”
Azizah: “What was your first reaction when you first heard the words ‘your baby has died’?”
The Sister: “Well…. (she seemed a bit unhappy at this point) I went into immediate shock, because I remember staring up at the ceiling and saying “What???” I could not cry because of the shock that I went into. It was not even the LAST thing I EVER thought would happen to my baby.”
Azizah: “What made you think initially that something was wrong. What were your symptoms? If any?”
The Sister: “Well, that morning…about 7am… I got a sharp pain in my tummy, but I thought it was really bad gas. So when I went to the toilet… I saw some blood. So I thought, “Oh My Gosh! I’m going to have my baby today Inshaa’ Allah!” I immediately got nervous and really scared. I didn’t think anything was wrong…”
Azizah: “Were you with anyone when you received the news? What were their reactions?”
The Sister: “Well my husband was with me in the room, and my parents and in-laws were just outside. It seemed that everyone was crying and in utter disbelief (the sister started crying at this point). My husband kept reminding me ‘Inna Lillahi wa Inna Illaihi Raji’oon'”.
Azizah: “What method of delivery did the doctors use to take out your baby?”
The Sister: “Well after receiving the news, my doctor told me that I had to go through labour and proceeded to give me pitocin to bring on the labour. I was in disbelief, because going through labor was the last thing on my mind. I thought I would have gone for a c-section one time. But after about 6 hours of labour, I hadn’t dilated past two centimetres and then my family and I decided that it would have been to difficult emotionally and psychologically to go through natural labour. So we opted for a c-section…”
Azizah: “What role did your husband play in all of this? How did he feel?”
The Sister: “Well he was one of my major pillars of support, especially on that day! He was there with me constantly, comforting me when I cried, and reminding me constantly of the Qadr of Allah. He focused his energy on taking care of me, that day and the months that followed, so he did not really show his feelings. (she appeared a little sad at that point)”
Azizah: “Did you get to hold your baby’s body? If yes, what did you feel at that moment?”
The Sister: “I did…I can’t remember what exactly I felt, but I was still in shock…so… it was a bit difficult to really feel much emotions at that time.”
Azizah: “How did you feel when you looked at your baby’s face?”
The Sister: “Well, as I said I was in shock… I just looked at her features, her hands, feet…But I was trying to remind myself that this is what Allah had written for us. I tried to remember all throughout the ordeal that my daughter was now in Jannah and she would, Inshaa Allah, be an intercessor for her parents on the day of Resurrection.”
Azizah: “How long did it take for you to accept what had happened fully? How was your recover mentally, physically & socially?”
The Sister: “Well I think initially I felt as though I did fully accept it, but as the time went by, I had post-partum depression which was expected, but I didn’t think it was going to be so tough. I had to put all my trust in Allah and make dua fervently. Everyday, begging Allah to help me to cope and accept what had happened. I also had a great amount of help from my family, particularly my husband and my mother. They were my source of counsel and comfort. Physically dealing with a c-section for the first time wasn’t very easy, but I managed. Socially, I was glad to have all my friends around me because believe me, talking it out…helps a great amount! It helps when you get comfort, even if it be just words from friends and family, reassuring that everything will be Alright…. “
Azizah: “Was it difficult to accept people’s condolences? How long did it take for you to be able to talk about it without breaking down?”
The Sister: “Well I can’t say it was extremely difficult, but it was not easy to talk about it without breaking down initially. I really can’t remember how long it took to be able to talk about it without breaking down. But what I do know, is that whenever I reminded people of where my daughter is, it made it easier…The difficult part for me especially is when people ask me “What happened???”. I know it is only human nature to want to know, but sometimes you find persons that really can’t understand how sensitive the issue is.
Azizah: “Do you think it would have been easier if this had happened earlier on in the pregnancy?”
The Sister: “I used to think so, but becoming a mother and then wanting to have another baby made me realize that no matter how far along a person is in their pregnancy it will be very difficult. Especially if it is a planned one. A mother goes through so much especially in the first trimester, so even losing a baby so early on, it would be very difficult.”
Azizah: “Have you had any children since your miscarriage? If so, how many? And was the labour natural?”
The Sister: “Yes I now have one son Alhamdulillah…and it was a planned c-section.”
Azizah: “What advice do you have for other mothers out there who have been through this ordeal or are about to go through it?”
The Sister: “Well I would say, trust in Allah. Trust that He is the All-Powerful and He is the Best Disposer of our Affairs. We as humans have no control over what is written. And in dealing with the aftermath of what has happened, always put your trust in Allah and turn to Him Only, because He alone can help you. Remember that with Allah nothing is too difficult, because He does not give us more than we can bare. Also surround yourself with family members, especially those who are capable of having patience and understanding (she smiled at this point).
Azizah: Jaza Kallah Khair Sister! May Allah(swt) bless you for sharing your story, Ameen! I am sure many parents out there will benefit from it Inshaa Allah! Be sure to read the last sister’s interview on ‘Early Miscarriage’ as you can probably relate and understand what she felt better than anyone…give your hubby a kiss right now Inshaa Allah! You have a really good and strong husband! Masha Allah! (“The sister and I spoke ‘off-the-record’ thereafter…”)